Taking My Kids To The Movies

Today, while I was building the unnecessarily complicated standee for the movie SPARKLE, I overheard the following conversation being had by a young family.

“Did you go to the bathroom?”

“I don’t need to go to the bathroom.”

“Make sure you go to the bathroom now so that we don’t miss part of the movie.”

“I don’t need to go!”

Now, reading the title of this blog, you may be saying to yourself, “Nick, you don’t have any kids.”

You’re right, I don’t.

And “taking my kids to the movies” is not a euphemism like “dropping the kids off at the pool.”

But someday, I may have kids. And those kids WILL NOT leave the movie while it is playing, NO MATTER WHAT.

You see, kids need to show some fucking respect for what’s important in this world. Sure, it’s fine to leave class to go potty, or step out of church to go poopy, or jump out a moving vehicle to go pee pee, but leaving a movie while it is playing is un-fucking-acceptable.

If you really have to go to the bathroom kiddo, shit yourself. Or piss yourself. I really don’t care.

Ian Malcom was half right. Movies supersede his famous quote.

“When you gotta go, you gotta go” but you should have thought about that before the feature presentation!If you do whine, “Daddy I need to go potty real bad” and I miss a line from THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 9 or THE SENSATIONAL SPIDER-MAN or whatever the fuck they call Spider-Man films in the future, you’re grounded. For life. And it WILL be just as bad as the TV show of the same name, I kid you not.

If I have to accompany your tiny bladder to the bathroom, LEAVING that Spider-Man movie I’ve never seen, you can consider your ass left at that theater, kiddo. Good luck finding new parents as generous as me with trips to the movies.

More likely, I’ll just let you go on your own, no matter your age, pedophiles be damned. Mommy can take you, I guess, but if mommy is really willing to leave the movie just like that, she can consider herself divorced.

I guess what I’m getting at, is that the conversation I heard should have gone like this…

“Did you go to the bathroom?””I don’t need to go to the bathroom.”

Why do you think Old Yeller was really shot?

“Make sure you go to the bathroom now so that we don’t miss part of the movie.”

“I don’t need to go!”

“You fucking make sure, little man (or woman), cause if you have to go during the movie I’m killing the dog.”